Published 2026-08-29
tag(s): #link-post #random-thoughts
A few days ago I read a post by Tadaima about enjoying some "me time":
Sometimes I get in these moods where I don't want to do anything. [...]
I feel like this is harder when you're married. I'm never alone, and sometimes I have these moments where I crave alone time and my own space to do weird Hobbity shit in.
[...]
I sometimes wonder if this isn't really about being alone, it's about having complete dominance over a space. Socially, it's considered odd to be married and still crave your own bedroom. Apparently, when you're in a relationship, you're supposed to meld into the other person and become one, like a fused Dragon Ball Z character or something. But like most things in life, balance is key. So maybe Hobbit Mode has some health benefits, too
I could relate to her plight. This was one of the things that led to my wife and I separating for a while (one of many, of course). She really needs her me time, and I always understood marriage as this melding Tadaima mentions. It wasn't a conscious choice, just an assumption from how I perceived relationships around me.
So when getting back together, I learned to respect that sometimes Maria needs some time on
her own, without it meaning there was something wrong with
"us".[1].
In recent years, something funny happened: sometimes I am the one that feels like
having some time for myself. At first I felt some discomfort for expressing that all I was
looking forward to tonight was some videogame, or spending time on the laptop on my own. I've
been getting better at it.
So, turns out that sometimes it is difficult to understand what you need, versus what you
think you need or how you think things should be. Who knew...
By the way, we are lucky enough that we can afford to rent a place where we have enough room
for us to do our things separately when we feel like. Sometimes I wonder how people deal
with this when that's not the case.
Like, if we were in tinier place in NYC proper, how would we manage those situations? I see
the privilege.
I've spent the last couple days alone, as the fam traveled back home for family reasons.
Today I woke up thinking of all the things I should do. During the week, between the
travel preparations and getting back to work, I felt pretty tired. Mostly mentally. But now,
it is the weekend, baby!
I figured today I would head out for some fishing (weather is great), but after waking up all
I wanted to do was sit down in complete silence, and enjoy breakfast drinking a whole thermos
worth of mate.
The first reaction was, again, guilt. I have all this "free" time! I should take
advantage of it. I am wasting it, otherwise.
I made a choice to slow down for a bit and let things be.
What I realized while sipping, is that I didn't really process my own return from home. The
goodbyes. How what's happening now makes me face the unintended consequences of emigrating so
far from my own family. What being back home means.
(Yes dear reader, the use of the two "home" in that paragraph was completely intentional, and
one more thing to deal with).
A part of me doesn't want to think too much about these things, because I fear reaching a
life-changing conclusions.
At the same time, not getting to that conclusion makes it seem like I don't care enough about
my family in Argentina, and that's why I am able to live so far.
The reality is, of course, more complex and subtle than that. There are pros and cons to
emigrating, and the trade-offs change over time.
Also, I know better than to draw conclusions when I am so emotionally charged.
One way to discharge, is acknowledging that these thoughts exist. Is having that morning time
to let these feelings not simmer, but wash out.[2]
Making myself busy was, for a really long time, my number one mechanism to not allow myself
any difficult thoughts or feelings. "I am always OK" followed by a shrug and moving
onto the next activity that would keep me from even thinking about how OK I really was.
I am happy that I get time alone. I am sad that people I love are having a difficult time. I
am excited about finishing the book I am reading. I miss my parents. I am glad to be back to
my routine. I am annoyed that I have to (try to) eat healthy after gobbling everything in my
path for a month. I enjoy being with the cats, and going to the office. I feel lazy about
going out right now.
All of these are true at the same time. It's OK to take time to process them.
No matter what I write here, I do feel a little bit of guilt that I haven't left the house yet.