Published 2025-11-12
tag(s): #useless-facts #overblown-minor-annoyances #failures
About a month ago, we made a decision to open a new bank account. We have a digital-only bank,
Discover. Which is great, but there are small annoyances that come with not having a branch to
do some stuff in person.
For example, every two years or so, we need a certified check or cashier's check. Always a
problem, because there there's no branch to get it. You have to order the check a couple days
in advance and it is mailed to you...annoying. [1]
I never wrote a check until I lived in this country...
Actually, let me take a bigger detour: in Argentina, when I was growing up (so, in the stone
age of the 90s) you could make a bank transfer and have the money in the destination account
by the next day. At worst.
In the US? well, a "wire transfer" can take like, a couple days. It's
bonkers.[2]
Same for funds from checks, which seem to work as if they were transfers. The bank, because
you are their customer and they love you (?) might give you the funds as soon as you deposit
the check. But they will deduct the money if the check bounces. Days later.
Yes, that's the basis of check fraud.
A certified check or cashier's check, is a check that has been certified (wink wink)
by the bank as having funds. Which to me, sounds contrived...you go to the bank, get them to
print a check by taking the amount from your account in the moment.
Why not make all checks certified? Why not make transfers and check validation faster? I am
sure there are reasons, and I am reasonably confident that they are all BS.
I went to the financial institution's website, and then...
I know. You are thinking, surely, you typed your names with the á and the í,
because you still insist that anything that doesn't support at the very least
extended ASCII needs to go down in flames, so developers change their ways. And yes I heard
you rant before that anything less than UTF-8 support in 2025 is a disgrace. I don't think I
agree with your prediction that nuclear apocalypse will come not in the form of authoritarian
governments having access to ICBMs, but from converting decimal 89 to "Y"
.
But, I swear dear reader, I typed the names just as they are spelled in my driver's
license. I tried, two times. But no more, because I didn't want the bank to assume I was a
bot. Or, you know, a criminal immigrant.
Time to head to a branch!
I spent the morning drinking mate 🧉. Like, about two liters, by myself. While having
breakfast and doing stuff in the laptop.
And then I lazily got ready. I figured I could stop by the Secaucus Library on the way back,
to get my library card I need my driver's license and proof of residency.
Yesterday I happened to put a bank statement in the same shelve I keep my wallet at home, just
for this.
So I grabbed: the bank statement, gloves, beanie, coat, house keys, and headed out.
The wife is on a trip, and took the car. Which I don't mind at all, as I can bike or walk
anywhere in town. Or, worst case scenario, rideshare.[2]
But today was really windy, so instead of taking the bike, I decided to walk: 40 minutes
I have the day off, I can listen to some messages and a podcast. Why not?
It is as windy as yesterday, but not nearly as cold. By the fourth block I take off the gloves and beanie. Halfway there, I take off my coat, and check the temperature on my phone: 9 degrees.[4][5] So now I have my hands full of crap. Sigh.
Yes, I did "go" at home before leaving, but still. It was just too much too drink.
I really need a restroom like, 15 minutes before getting to the bank.
Those 15 minutes felt like an hour and a half. By the time I got there I was starting to
wonder if I was a victim in a Saw movie, and I would die of bladder explosion.
I wait five minutes by the entrance, until someone approaches to ask me if I need a teller or
account manager. I try not to speak too fast (because accent) and explain that I would like to
open a checking account.
No, I do not have an appointment.
No, I don't mind waiting. Smiles, smiles.
Oh, by the way, can I use the restroom?
"I am sorry, we don't have a restroom, there's a Starbucks 5 minutes from here though".
I walk to Starbucks. On the way there I ponder my life choices. I
remember this Animaniacs clip. The
scene of Wakko turning on the light is just perfect.
I walk in, head to the restroom as calmly as possible. Once inside hang the coat, gloves
and beanie as quickly as possible, pray they don't fall and touch the floor.
Release. I can breathe again. Angelic choirs. All is right with the world.
I get back to the bank, sit down. Play with (spoilers) my freshly installed FreshRSS.
A few minutes later, someone approaches. Small talk. Sit down at her desk.
"Can I have your ID?".
Of course, one second.
Check usual wallet pocket. Check other pant pockets. Check coat pockets...But let's be honest,
after the first one, I knew...
Remember the list of things I said I got when leaving the house?
So I grabbed: the bank statement, gloves, beanie, coat, house keys, and headed out.
No wallet? No wallet.
I thought I would never get to experience a walk of shame. Mainly because in my youth I had no
shame, I collected mistakes like Pokémon.
But today...Yep. 40 minutes is a long time to feel an absolute idiot.
And because I am not totally over the ordeal, I decided to write this post. To try exorcise it out of my brain.