Published 2025-11-05
tag(s): #random-thoughts
A couple months ago we went to Sandy Hook. The beach was busy, but we found a relatively good spot quickly, and jumped into the water.
For those of you that aren't familiar with the Atlantic coast in New Jersey, Delaware,
Maryland: none the beaches in these states that I've visited, are exactly calm waters.
With big waves constantly breaking, most of us in the water were jumping over/diving under
them as entertainment.
At one point Maria and Juan went back to the beach, and I was on my own, lost in my thoughts.
Then I noticed a seagull resting on the water surface.
Waves were rocking it back and forth, one side to the other. But the seagull was completely
relaxed[1], just floating along.
Observing the seagull made me think of my struggles with anxiety, a few years back. Part of
the work I did had to do with living "in the moment". Accepting things the way they are, not
how I idealized them.
Understanding that my expectations are exactly that, mine. And when things are different than
how I wanted them to be, I have to accept the disappointment. Or even better, give way to the
possibility that things might turn out better than how I imagined them.
Just be there. Again, "in the moment". Let that be the starting point.
And this seagull was completely accepting of what was happening to it. Sometimes it was floating farther to the left, and back to my right, and farther from the beach. But it just stayed there, over the surface, unfazed. "Be the seagull" I ventured.
But then I wondered, "is that right?" and a new line of thought formed.
Like I said, I had to learn to deal with negative emotions. And part of "the work" related to
that, was acknowledging those negative emotions.
If anyone asked, I would always say I was doing OK. Nothing affected me!
But in reality, I've always been sensitive.[2] And the cumulative effect
of "swallowing" all those feelings for years and years, just to avoid any kind conflict, was
consuming me.
I had to learn, and practice (a lifelong journey), to surface these things, admit them, and if
necessary deal with them.
And the big challenge for me, is, how to tell apart the situations where I am "being in
the moment", from the ones where I am resorting to my old mechanism of ignoring any negative
feelings?
When do I go from acceptance and observing reality as it is, to ignoring it and pretending it
doesn't matter?
In one of the last sessions, talking about this with my therapist, he said something like,
"the fact that you are asking this is a good sign". And then he gave me recent-ish examples
where I walked away from situations that were hurting me, instead of pretending that I didn't
care.
My impression of all this was that, as usual, the secret sauce is the middle ground.
Don't be a control freak that falls apart in the face of change, but also don't pretend
everything is the same and nothing matters.
And in my case, I experienced first hand how trying to embrace both extremes at the same time
isn't the healthiest of behaviours ...
"Well, then the seagull is not a good example. Because look at it, just floating. Letting the
waves rock it without reacting at all. That isn't healthy either!".
Not even five seconds later, the seagull took flight. On its way to the sky, it made circle
above me.
I don't want to give myself more importance than I should in this story...but, that's hard to
avoid that when you are retelling something that happened entirely in your head. :)
It totally felt like it the seagull was humbling me.
"Of course I am in control, lame human. I can let things be for however long I want, and I
can fly away whenever I want. You are the one that needs to practice awareness, to choose
between them. I know what I want.".
After the (perceived?) life lesson from the bird, I watched it fly away until it turned into a
speck in the cloudy sky.
"Be the seagull" I thought.