What is your stage?

Published 2025-08-07

tag(s): #random-thoughts

I was listening to a Mike Birbiglia interview on a podcast, can't remember which one[1], and something he said stuck with me, paraphrasing a bit:

On stage, I am relaxed because I am in control. Outside of that environment, I am a mess, anxious and intense.

And it resonated with me, thinking immediately of my 20s and how I used to tell friends that I wish I had the calm and collectedness I have at work, in my personal life.

But I never connected that with this idea that I was more in control in one place versus the other.
And thinking a bit more about it, the periods that I was relaxed when working back then, were the ones where I was just programming, or leading a small team. The more I moved up the ladder into managerial-adjacent roles, the less I felt that calm and confidence.

Nowadays, and for a few years now, I've been in an "individual contributor" role. It was a nice thought exercise to imagine that if I were again in a position like those I despised so much, I would fare better - because I am more mature and calm in general nowadays.
But the only way to know for sure would be to try it, and I have no interest right now, I think.

I also followed this train of thought into the past. I think one of the many reasons I was attracted to software from an early age was that, unlike building things in the physical world (where I tend to suck[2], with software I could build and rebuild, until I got it right. And I could do it on my own, away from the shameful gaze of others. And because I kept trying and repeating until I learned enough to feel confident, I made software my stage.

There you go...the guy that relates everything to software and programming did it again. Thank you, and good night.

Footnotes
  1. Might have been Marc Maron's WTF.
  2. And even more back then...

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